Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's official drugs can't kill me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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