He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
