My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
