i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
