so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
