Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
