I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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