i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i already hear my dad disowning me
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
