the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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