It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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