He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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