am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
