I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
