I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
