can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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