your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
