she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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