i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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