I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize