hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
