Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
