I bet he comes in French.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize