Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize