You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
