you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
