ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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