You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
