When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
