we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
