Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
