I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
