I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
where are my pants?
in the oven.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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