I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
