bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
