Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
