She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
