thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
