You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
