Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
