She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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