Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
