Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
