i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
