I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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