bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
