My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
