I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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