My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
