and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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