Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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