Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
