You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize