Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
