cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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