I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize