don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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