I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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