She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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